Sketches, Suits, & the Weight of Time

'Drawing in a corporate cage'

I used to draw all hours of the day as a child. Before school, during class, after school, before bed. 

Defo my favorite hobby growing up.

In highschool I filled every inch of my notebooks with fashion sketches (because I was a teenage girl of course), and caricatures of classmates, etc. There were more doodles and sketches than notes.

What was going through my head was that the work I was being taught was irrelevant and I preferred escaping to day dreaming and drawing to pass the time. Thinking of how I was so close to being a grown up and would be able to be creative. No field in particular. Just creative and ‘free.’

But being creative in today's world is not freedom at all. And I find most creative fields are more competitive than ever. 

Now I find myself in my corporate law office in midtown manhattan doodling away all hours of the day while I should be writing scientific articles, sending notes to my attorneys, proofreading settlements, etc. 

I still have the same mindset of, ‘someday’ - ‘someday’ - ‘someday.’ And it haunts me.

Because it doesn’t feel like something that’s coming- it feels like something that’s passing by.

“Paying your rent is freedom. Paying your bills is freedom. Not being hungry is freedom.” I tell myself over and over.

But is my whole life meant to be feeling the weight of imposter syndrome, dressed like an idiot in a business casual suit (because I feel like I’m in a costume), sitting behind a big desk, stuck in maladaptive daydreaming to cope with the dreadful boredom of paperwork, surrounded by midtown, Brooks Brothers wearing robots, and sketching away until my hand has carpal tunnel?

I’m not ungrateful. I just crave something more than this.