Oh childhood you seem so far away, but you were only yesterday
Nonsense Journal Entry
I am having a bout of nostalgia and figured I'd write about it to get out of this dizzy spell.
Hey, what can I say—I am a very nostalgic person. I get so sentimental over smells or sounds that remind me of oh way back when. Sometimes when I lay in bed at night I like to reminisce about trends or music popular in the early and mid 2000’s, playing dress up with my friends, having imaginary adventures in the backyard, and simply the pure and wonderful innocence of being a kid.
[As I was writing this sentence, my childhood friend/longest friend sent me a picture of us jumping on pogo sticks in my backyard sometime around age 10.]
I know there’s no going back, but what’s the harm in replaying the memories like movies to watch on my brain before I go to sleep?
When I was a kid, my Grampa Joe used to tell me stories about his childhood in the 1930’s. He remembered every detail like it was yesterday, too. I loved how vivid his stories were, describing smells, tastes, feelings, and places. After his stories he would say “It feels just like yesterday, that that happened.” Sometimes he’d say even his childhood memories felt closer to then, then actual adult events. ‘Oh the war (WW2)? That feels like forever ago,’ ‘Time I got married? Gosh, ancient times,’ etc, etc.
As an adult now, I now know what they say is true, time flies. It’s flashing so fast before my eyes, I might as well already have lived it all and this is just a quick memory on my deathbed. I can’t hold onto any moment in my present life as it’s fleeing before me. I can’t even record it in my mind.
But my childhood was just there. It just happened! I can remember everything. That scrape on my knee from falling off my bike? I can still feel the stinging on my knee right now. The soft fur of my dog? I can feel every fiber on my fingertips as if I were just petting him 2 seconds ago. My elementary school? I can smell the hallway, the carpet, the walls and my binder as if I had just walked through. Playing? I can still hear the screams and laughter of my friends as if I had just come inside from playing.
Why has all of this stuck with me? Why is this a part of my identity more than most events of my adulthood? Why can’t I remember the names or faces of people I've gone on dates with or hooked up with? Why can’t I remember that bar my friend and I went to last week? I can’t remember anything chronologically. It’s all a messy blur. No, it’s not the drinking, and other reckless activities, okay?
Why do I feel like I am still that little girl, but now I’m playing “grown up?” All these questions are overwhelming me, I fear.
Maybe I am not as present as I used to be. Kids aren’t thinking about the future. There’s this voice in the back of their minds (or mine at least) that says, “enjoy this… be here now… don’t forget this… you’ll miss this.” And somewhere along the way you’re overwhelmed by a myriad of things to come or remembering shit that doesn’t really matter and it occupies your mind, consuming your senses, taking over from being here now.
That’s what I think at least. But maybe this is our nostalgic past too. Right now, the smell of this room will haunt me in my old age. Or the sound of the police sirens.
…….
I paused from writing to look around and feel for something to happen. All I can feel is my back aching and head throbbing. I can hear my ears ringing. My eyes are dry. I feel so hungry and forgot I’m supposed to be distracting myself from not eating because I can’t afford any groceries this week…
Oh no! The here now, is miserable. What the fuck?
Okay, but it’s not always like this. I’m not miserable? I have good moments… usually?
Right, Sadie? Anyway—
But for the most part, my overall senses feel out of whack these days. They don’t feel like they’re taking anything in—good or bad. They’re not ‘recording,’ they’re reliving. Best way I can describe it is that my body is a tape recorder. Except it records more than just sound… But I have an old tape in which is on “replay” all day throughout.
I guess It’s time I change out the tape. Insert a new, unused one, and try to save this now before it’s gone.
Wish me luck.
I feel the same all the time but more so these days especially after I've come back to my hometown and walked down the streets near my school. Something was in the air felt like it was yesterday. I have been reliving my old self again... it's a strange feeling.
And I still feel the same at 47... We're just making it up as we go along and pretending we're all grown up when inside we just want to pogo stick again...